Here we are...less than a week away from Christmas and shortly after that, we will enter into a new year. Over and over again on this blog, I have mentioned how time flies. And it seems that it flew by again this year. So it seems...
This has not been my year. When the year first started, it was so full of expectations and desires. Not just for a man to finally enter into my life, but I was happy at my job. I was happy at home. I was happy in my relationship with Christ. I had finally moved on from friendships that were not good for me and was blessed with new friends and acquaintances. I was closer to becoming debt free than I had been in a really long time. I was in my "happy place".
And then March 6th happened.
Have you ever had something happen to you that it devastated you so bad that all you could do was cry? I cried for days. Weeks. Months. I had cried so much that I could barely keep my eyes open anymore. To protect the one that shattered me, I rarely spoke of what happened. I still rarely do. It hurts too much. There is a pain in my heart. In my head. In the pit of my stomach. ALL THE TIME.
Since March 6th, there have been days that I didn't want to get out of bed. There were days that I just couldn't face the world anymore. I would get up and go to work, only to be ignored and hated. To get away from it, I would go sit in my car and just cry. I had friends I could lean on. Friends who let me cry on their shoulder. Or at lunch. Or on the phone. I went to the beach for an entire week and I cried while I sat there. I was depressed. I'm still depressed.
I've shared my hurt with some of my friends. Some have really understood and were constantly checking on me and telling me they were praying for me. Others have not. But most don't know the whole story. They have a fabrication in their head about what happened, but it hurts me so badly to talk about it, so I don't, which means the fabrication in their head quickly becomes their truth. I've been hurt by some of these friends. They have obviously never been hurt like this. Not this deep.
For months, I tried to find another job. Doors opened left and right, and people were so kind to me. They knew I was going through some kind of pain and offered their condolences for whatever it was, but no job. Many times I was SURE I had the job, only to have the door closed right in front of me. I questioned God and why He would allow this to happen to me. Why was He keeping me at a job that I was no longer wanted or loved at?
Meanwhile, an anger was building up inside me. An anger that I've never experienced before.
I was angry at God.
There were days that I questioned Him. The hours that I spent crying day and night, and I received no hope. Let me tell you - when you don't have hope, you don't have anything. It's as if I had lost everything.
About this time, our State was devastated by tornadoes. I knew if someone was going to have a change of heart, it would be after that day. A little hope shined. But it quickly faded away. And when I thought I had lost everything, there were those around me that did lose everything. But, it was their belongings they lost, not their hope. I still had no hope.
We are now at the end of June and the anger was increasing. I was applying for jobs left and right, and I didn't get any phone calls. Just e-mails saying I "wasn't qualified" or "we chose another candidate". I was so disappointed and heart broken. I remember sitting at Sonic for a long period of time, crying my eyes out and asking God for the hope to replace the anger.
"God, please don't let me be angry with you. You know what is best for my life and you have a purpose, but please tell me what that purpose is right now. God, I don't understand. You open doors but you quickly shut them. You know what my work life is like right now and it's miserable. I have no friends. I have no hope. Please forgive me for being so angry with you. I need your love. Your mercy. Your compassion. Your hope. Your forgiveness. I need YOU."
Shortly after that day, the Lord did open several doors for me, one of them leading to my current job. I'll be honest...I'm still not happy. But, I am still dealing with the pain of everything I've been through this year. The worst year of my life.
I'll be honest - I still don't have any hope, except in my Lord Jesus Christ who has, as He's promised, given me the hope I need at this moment. On this day. At this hour.
It has now been a few days since I originally started this post, and we are now a week into the new year. How I longed for 2014 to come, and it's finally here.
At this time last year, I had purchased the daily devotional book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. I had resorted to the fact that I was going to read it everyday so I could receive a word from the Lord, but life doesn't always happen that way. But the days I did remember to pick it up and read it - well, they blessed my soul. I wanted to share with you what the devotional is for March 6th.
Continue on this path with Me, enjoying My Presence even in adversity. I am always before you, as well as alongside you. See Me beckoning to you: Come! Follow Me. The One who goes ahead of you, opening up the way, is the same One who stays close and never lets go of your hand. I am not subject to limitations of time or space. I am everywhere at every time, ceaselessly working on your behalf. That is why your best efforts are trusting Me and living close to Me.
Wow. On a day that God was the farthest from my mind, He reminded me in a simple devotional that even in adversity, He was there.
It continues. The following day said this:
Let me help you through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of your helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence. Actually, this choice is continually before you, but difficulties highlight the decision-making process. So, consider it all joy whenever you are enveloped in various trials. These are gifts from Me, reminding you to rely on Me alone.
It almost seems impossible to think that it was nearly a year ago that all of this happened in my life. And while I'm ashamed to admit that I was angry at God and allowed Him to be placed on the back-burner in my life, He has so graciously forgiven me, having never let go of my hand and has always led the path before me, even though I didn't understand it at the time.
There are still things I don't understand. I always wonder why the Lord allows bad things to happen to us, but I believe it's a learning lesson for us all - one that reminds us that He is still on the throne and He is the one in control and He is the one who should receive all the glory, honor and praise - in every circumstance of our life. He knew I would have one of the most terrible year's of my life, but oh...the good things I look forward to in the future!
While 2013 is now gone, I still struggle every day with depression, anxiety and hopelessness. I have every belief the Lord will rescue me from this bottomless pit and I can't wait to share with you how He's going to do that.
Happy 2014. It's going to be a GREAT year!
No comments:
Post a Comment