Anger

I have anger in my heart.


Yes, you heard me correctly.

I am angry.

And I don’t like it.

It has caused me to lose sleep for weeks now. I haven’t had this feeling since I was torn about selling my house and moving back home. It took a lot of me – mentally, emotionally and physically – to give up my dream and move back home. It was exactly two years ago I was dealing with such a thing.

And here I am today with the same feeling in my heart. But, it hasn’t been caused by my emotions being torn or a hard decision to be made. It’s because I have an anger in my heart so deep, caused by someone very close to me, and I lack the love and forgiveness that we are commanded by God to have.

This person has repeatedly hurt me over and over again. I have cried many tears. I am heartbroken and sad. I am angry. I want to go beat this person up. I want to stand up for what is right. But this person doesn’t feel they did anything wrong. How do you explain something they need to hear, but they don’t have an open ear to hear it? Their feelings are always kept on their shoulder, and no matter what you say, the person takes it the wrong way. This is the type of person I am dealing with. Nothing I say is going to be right, even if I try to mend the situation. So, it’s best that I don’t say anything.

Or is it?

Over the last few months, our pastor has been preaching on Matthew 5. Since I’ve been dealing with my situation over the last few weeks, scriptures from this chapter keep coming to my head over and over again. For instance, Matthew 5:21-26 says:

You’re familiar with the command to the ancients, “do not murder”. I’m telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother “idiot!” and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell “stupid!” at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill. This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and made things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God. Or say you’re out on the street and an old enemy accosts you. Don’t lose a minute. Make the first move; make things right with him. After all, if you leave the first move to him, knowing his track record, you’re likely to end up in court, maybe even in jail. If that happens, you won’t get out without a stiff fine. – MSG

So this means I am guilty of murder? Literally, no. At least I don’t think I would go to jail this day and age for being angry at someone. But, the Bible is right when it says that words kill. This person has definitely shared some words with me that if it did kill, I would have been dead a long time ago. It also says to make things right with your friend before working things out with God. But, isn’t it God that will help me make things right with this person? Can’t I just pray and ask him to take care of the situation without me doing anything? No – it says to make the first move; make things right with him.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this. How do I make things right with someone who originally hurt me?

It goes on to say in Matthew 5:28-47:

Here’s another old saying that deserves a second look: “eye for eye, tooth for tooth”. Is that going to get us anywhere? Here’s what I propose: don’t hit back at all. If someone strikes you, stand there and take it. If someone drags you into court and sues you for the shirt off your back, giftwrap your best coat and make a present of it. And if someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. You’re familiar with the old written law “love your friend” and its unwritten companion “hate your enemy”. I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out your true selves – your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives His best – the sun to warm and the rain to nourish – to everyone regardless – the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. – MSG

So even though this person repeatedly hurts me and others, I don’t do anything? I can’t tell the whole world all the bad things this other person has done? And I have to give them the shirt off my back and my very best coat? Then I’m told to love my enemies. How can I love this person?

But I have been commanded these things. Even though it may further hurt my relationship with this person (or whatever is left of the relationship, if any), I have to do this.

I can’t be angry.

I have to turn this anger into love.

How do I do that when this person repeatedly throws God in my face and that “God told me to do this” or “God told me to say this”? Can I respond with “God laid it on my heart to tell you this”? No. In Matthew 5:33-37, it says:

And don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying “I’ll pray for you” and never doing it, or saying “God be with you” and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say “yes” or “no”. When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong. – MSG

God has been tugging at my heart, asking me if I will really trust Him in this situation and that things will be good again, but I’m just not sure. My heart is still so full of anger. But in order to follow the commands in the verses above, I HAVE to trust Him.

I HAVE to give this to God.

I HAVE to make this right.

Proverbs 28:26 says “He who trusts in his own heart is a fool, but he who walks wisely will be delivered.” – NASB

I am trusting that God will deliver me from this situation.

I am trusting that I will be able to share with you my deliverance from this situation.

I am leaning on Psalms 37:5 – “Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and HE will do it”. – NASB

Do I still have anger? Yes.

Am I still hurt? Yes.

But in time, the Lord will turn that anger into joy and that hurt into peace.

I just have to trust Him and Him alone to deliver me.