Meltdown

So...I officially had a meltdown today...and it was not good.

Its been a really rough week for me. As you have probably read from previous posts, I have these every once in a while. But, this "blah" has lasted longer than it usually does. Every day this week I've been fighting with myself and telling myself that everything will be okay, but it just hasn't helped. I have no energy, I haven't been sleeping well (which leaves a lot of time for my mind to think), it takes everything in me just to get out of bed and go to work, and I have baked literally almost every night this week to get my mind off of things (which my co-workers are very thankful for)!

I usually go through these seasons alone, and no one knows about them until they are long gone and I am feeling better. However, this week has been different. A friend of mine must have sensed it, because she sent me a very sweet e-mail yesterday. She has been through what I am going through and she is such an encouragement to me.

Another friend of mine called me yesterday and he could tell something was going on. He knew that I wasn't having a good week since I wasn't upbeat and cheerful. But then he said "if our days and weeks were always good, we wouldn't have anything to be thankful for"...and that is so true.

But yet, my meltdown has not been about my singleness or being lonely, but that the Lord has shown me something in my life that I am doing wrong and I need to fix it. This absolutely, literally BREAKS my heart. My heart doesn't break because I have to fix this wrong thing, but that I've known it all along and He is revealing it in His own way to me. And unfortunately, I am probably going to lose a very dear friend because of it.

How is it that when something or someone special in your life suddenly makes the world seem right? My world has been perfect for months now. At the same time, though, my walk with the Lord has not been perfect and I struggle every day to be the person that God wants me to be. And, He is taking the opportunity to work in me right now, because my heart is open to receive Him and what He has to say.

If you are reading this, will you please pray for me? It is going to be a tough road ahead and satan is going to do everything in his power to defeat me. I've got some emotions to go through and a lesson to learn, and its going to be an uphill battle all the way.

And maybe this meltdown today hasn't been so bad afterall. It's amazing the peace I feel right now, even after writing this (but of course, I was boo-hoo-hooing the entire first part!). I can now focus on the hope of these words my friend gave me yesterday: "everything will suddenly make sense as to why God used this time to get everything the way He wanted it to be". I guess I'll just have to cry a few more tears before I get there...